Thursday, 10 May 2012

Gay Abandon at the Cricket: Iffy causes a stir

It was not easy breaking to Adam the news that he won't be able to play cricket for six weeks. He saw himself playing a significant part in what promises to be a great season for Ambridge. The team are benefitting not only from an influx of interested younger people, but also the arrival of the enigmatic Iffy.

Everyone loves Iffy. The girls love his athleticism and his dashing good looks and the boys love....well, it seems they love the same things. All of the young men are beguiled by Iffy, much to Alastair's annoyance. Alastair's interest in the younger players is bordering on the unhealthy.

Even William has been in on the act. Not playing cricket, of course, just whinging in his usual selfish, possessive way. If they need a roller perhaps they should use Will.

There are talks of girls playing and even if Iffy does not bat for the other side there will undoubtedly be a cloud on the first day of the season when Sid's ashes blow across the square in protest.

Graham Gooch's lack of success at spinning the coin as England Captain led him to brand himself a "useless tosser". Jamie had invited Rhys along to try some tossing and he has proved himself such a splendid tosser that Iffy has already drafted him into the first team. Suggesting selection for Ambridge was as good as playing rugby for Wales was a little over the top, and he must think himself lucky that Warren Gatland is in no fit state to run him out of the village.

Maybe Adam will keep his hand in by helping Ian to do the teas. They could invite Iffy to join them in the Hot Tub to discuss this and tactics in general, and help Iffy to get a real handle on the state of the wicket. Perhaps Adam could persuade Iffy to allow him to kick the season off with a symbolic full toss.

Lynda could do a lot worse than attend nets and assess the talent for the panto. There's plenty of potential here.

The girls are around Iffy and Rhys like bees to a honeypot. I need to have words with Alice because if she's not careful her flirting will drive ChrisTHORpher away, particularly now Amy has cracked off her apron and headed back to the Vicarage.

Which leaves us with the dilemma of Usha. Her procrastination has done her career no favours. She does not listen to a word of the counselling she has received. She manages to speak to everyone and anyone but Alan and Amy, the two who matter. It can only end in tears.

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