Wednesday, 23 May 2012

The Ascent of Ambridgeman

My consultancy has been awash with people for whom it appears size really does matter. There has been so much talk of the unit of "The Squirrel" which, alongside yesterday's revelation that Keith is "low-life. Lower than a Horrobin" that clarification is called for.

I therefore humbly offer edited highlights from my lecture to the Felpersham Anthropological Society:

"The Ascent of Ambridgeman

It is a great tragedy that my colleague and mentor, the late Jacob Bronowski, did not live to share the discoveries that were uncovered when Borsetshire Land excavated the land for their new Market.

These findings were hushed up at the time but I am proud to be able to unveil them for the first time this evening.

The major discovery was a tapestry - henceforth known as the Borseaux Tapestry - which clearly outlined the evolution of Ambridgeman. After painstaking restoration by the WI we can today reveal its central image for the first time:

The Ascent of Ambridgeman

We have also been able to decipher the writings that were found alongside this tapestry and we can now reveal that, from left to right, these figures are representative of the following ages of Ambridgeman:

1.  Low-life
This example is the lowest recorded. It is sometimes also referred to as "lower than a Horrobin" which is also an insult often heard bandied about at The Bull on a Saturday night.

2.  Horrobinus
Dubious, criminal classes which are of the sort so steeped in their own stupidity that they are likely to be caught and serve the punishments allotted for their crimes. Often banished from their own communities, but eventually return, usually no wiser than when they left.

3.  Grundius Majorosus and Minorosus
Often of a similar criminal intent to Horrobinus, but displaying more charm. Sometimes also referred to as "Cheekius Chappius" due to their endearing ability to charm their way out of awkward situations and avoid punishment for their crimes. Sometimes includes a bad apple, Grundius Miserablus Bastardus, as exemplified in the current generation by William. In-breeding between Horrobinus and Grundius  in whichever generation is to be avoided at all costs.

4.  Miles Gloriosus (or The Swaggering Soldier)
The happy go lucky, chancy character who places himself above the Horrobinus and the Grundius but nonetheless indulges in what can best be described as 'sharp practice'. Kenton Archer is the perfect example of this stage of evolution.

5. Ambridgeman Erectus
Finally, the fully formed, upright (and often uptight) Ambridgeman. However, don't be fooled. Although he may stand erect he inevitably bears some of the DNA of his forebears. His apparent straight talking may hide some very dubious behaviour and in fact his duplicity can often lead to more damage than the the petty misbehaviour displayed by Low-Life and Horrobinus.

And finally, as size inevitably does matter, it is interesting to note that one of the documents attached to the tapestry  tells us that Grundius Majorosus was generally held to be 'the size of two squirrels high and one squirrel wide', thus explaining once and for all the unit of The Squirrel."

The full text of this lecture is available at The British Anthropological Society and I will be pleased to answer any further questions posted below or directly to @TonysConsultant.


  1. NotTillyButton23 May 2012 at 09:57

    "In-breeding between Horrobinus and Grundius in whichever generation is to be avoided at all costs"

    Poor George.
    He most probably doesn't even possess opposable thumbs

  2. Surely Kenton was a Swaggering Sailor?