Saturday, 2 March 2013

Double or Quit

As the cull of non-speaking characters continues, the latest cost cutting directive has arrived in Borsetshire. Characters must double with those in other BBC productions - or face being written out themselves.

Early proposals include the following:

Bow-tie wielding Jim has been lined up to replace Tim Wonnacott on BBC1's Bargain Hunt. In a master stroke of cross plotting, Lilian and Paul's affair is uncovered when they appear as the Blue Team at an antiques fair in the Peak District. You wait till you see their Bargain Buy.

In a remake of Keeping Up Appearances Lynda reprises the role of Hyacinth and Robert plays her hapless husband. All goes well until Lynda seeks Kenton's assistance in cleaning the chandeliers at Ambridge Hall, as.....

Lovable rogue Kenton takes on the iconic role of Del Boy in Only Fools and Horses. Dopey brother David is cast as apparently useless (but inwardly wise: Oh Yes!) Rodney.

King of the Cravats Brian Aldridge has replaced Henry Blofeld on Test Match Special. In between bus-spotting and cake-eating, Brian shoots one pigeon too many and faces charges of sexual harassment courtesy of a misplaced "My dear old thing".

 Antiques Roadshow has a new presenter in the shape of Elizabeth who has replaced Fiona Bruce. Elizabeth is, however, already on a verbal warning, since it was discovered that every item in the most recent edition came from the corridors of Lower Loxley.

There are other plans afoot, including Jazzer's trial stint on the Today programme and Rhys's efforts on BBC News as replacements for James Naughtie and Huw Edwards respectively. Watch this space, or submit your own suggestions below, or via Twitter to @TonysConsultant.