Saturday, 2 June 2012

Schools Out

It's half term in Borsetshire and the children are on holiday. But before the break can begin in earnest, there's that potentially embarassing moment when the School Report has to be opened by the parents.

Here's a selection of what the Head Teachers had to say of some of the younger members of the Ambridge community. It goes without saying that those pupils of Loxley Barrett are still waiting for the joint headship of Mrs Cameron and Miss Clegg to properly come into its own.

Lily Pargetter
Lily is a charming girl, very self assured and keen to organise others. She is taking a great interest in out of school activities - bell ringing, thatching, hang gliding - indeed any activities involving heights. It is almost as though she is trying to prove something - or perhaps acclimitising herself to heights with some greater, long term plan in mind.

Daniel Hebdon-Archer-Billy-Elliot-Lloyd
A strong term for Daniel, particularly with his work in the Drama Club. His interpretive dance version of Brokeback Mountain was a revelation, although we would all prefer that his leotard was a little less revealing. He is a very sensitive and imaginative young man and is just as happy taking himself in hand as he is playing with others. Of course he found it difficult to deal with the disruption caused when Mr Cable was forced to stand down from Dance and Drama, but he is adapting well to the different, more laissez-fair methods of Ms Hunt. He obviously misses his mother although we fully support his adoptive father's stance in not paying the ransom.

Jamie Perks
A mixed term for Jamie. He has been very strong in Chemistry and is very deft with a Bunsen Burner. Mr Hague has still banned Jamie from school trips but we hope this may be reversed in the coming months. Truth be told, I'll forgive him anything all the while his stepmother comes to parents' evenings.

Tilly Button
We thought we had got over the violence that dominated the Autumn term but her reign of terror in the playground seems to continue. I agree that it was a mistake for Ms Hunt to give Tilly the role of Jack in her dramatisation of Lord of the Flies but I don't think we were to know that Tilly came from a family so committed to method acting. The Juvenile Court has been quite understanding and once we persuaded Tilly to admit to the arson, the blackmail and the poison pen letters, things have been looking up. We are grateful to Miss May who has agreed to mentor Tilly after half term and we sincerely hope to see an improvement.

George Grundy
Nursery School isn't necessarily the right environment for every child and it takes a great deal of maturity on the part of the parents to put their child into such a setting. It requires the parents to send their child with a happy smile and a cheery demeanour in themselves and the child. I therefore beg of you, Mr and Mrs Will.I.amabore Grundy, please take your child away.

Chelsea Horrobin
Chelsea is a little young for Careers Advice but we would encourage her to raise her sights. She recently told Mr Grayling that she had achieved everything she wanted by being invited to be a bridesmaid at the Big Fat Horrobin Wedding. Mrs Duncan-Smith warned her that this was a time-limited opportunity and Chelsea could not expect to be looked after once it was over but neither Chelsea nor her mother seemed unduly bothered by this.

The Head Teachers will be grateful for any other observations on these and other children's development. Please note them below or directly to @TonysConsulant.

1 comment:

  1. NotTillyButton3 June 2012 at 01:18

    Josh Archer
    Josh’s insistence on answering every question in his SATS paper with the word Sausages has made it very difficult to truly assess his academic ability. The half point that he was awarded for the question “what is a German Dachshund commonly called?” was quite fortuitous.
    On a more positive note, visiting School Nurse Lansley was pleased to discover that so far Josh shows no symptoms of the familial Archer Asthma that affects the majority of his family, rendering them incapable of uttering a sentence without sighing. It is to be hoped that Josh remains free of this affliction which has made his Grandfather Tony less fluent then Stephen Hawking.