Sunday, 1 July 2012

The Great Ambridge Cheese Mountain

This week listeners have been disturbed to learn the true extent of the Ambridge Cheese Mountain. As Guardian of the Cheese (an ancient title bestowed upon the wife of the biggest landowner and the wildest philanderer, therefore clearly Jennifer Aldridge by a country mile) Jennifer has been keen to begin the process of......well, processing the cheese.

As a cook of some note, the author of a number of recipe books and the custodian of the village website, Jennifer is well placed to suggest ways of shifting the cheese. Here are her top ten suggestions:

Cheese Rolling Competition
Kenton will be encouraged to include a Cheese Rolling Competition in his "Olympic Games". As one of the cheesiest in the community, this should not be a problem.

Cheese'n'Badger Burgers
"Where there's muck there's brass and where there's cheese there's dosh" is one of Brenda's more clumsy marketing slogans for Gourmet Burgers. Utilising cousin David's freezer full of some "other offences to be taken into consideration" and Auntie Jennifer's cheese, Tom has come up with a new delicacy.

Peacock Cocktail Surprise: Bloody Peacock
Having finally lost patience with Eccles, Jolene has come up with a new cocktail. Vodka based, it is given body by Peacock's blood and topped off with cheese and pineapple on a stick. It'll catch on, but onto what or whom nobody can be sure.

Easter Island Cheese Statues
As the bottom has fallen out of Eddie's gnome market, he has busied himself carving Easter Island-inspired statues out of cheese. Fine all the while he can keep his ferrets from eating his handiwork.

Cheese Fondue for every conceivable occasion
Home Farm is low on venison, the game isn't as well hung as Brian had promised (story of his life) but there is cheese in abundance. Jennifer has therefore taken to preparing Cheese Fondue and arriving at ChrisTHORpher and Alice's at the most inopportune moments.

My Big Fat Horrobin Wedding Catering
The social event of the year is striving to be posh - like Will and Emma's (nothing like aspiration, is there - and this is nothing like aspiration) and Jennifer has offered an unlimited supply of cheese for the event. There will be cheese omelette, tuna cheese bake and cheese cake. Cheese and biscuits are optional.

Cheese and Wine for the Book Club
Usha will announce her full return to the social scene with a meeting of the Book Club. They will discuss Caroline Sterling's raunchy memoir, Fifty Shades of Grey Gables accompanied by cheese and wine (and indeed whine if Amy is at home that evening.)

Beast Bait
While the search continues for the Beast of Borsetshire and William and Nic continue their nocturnal activities, time can be saved by the young lovers wearing cheese based clothing as bait for the beast. Cheese cloth shirts, of course.

Cheese Ice Cream
Pat can do her sister-in-law a favour by creating a cheese ice cream, which Clarriecoli can produce. That'll help keep the numbers down.

Cheese Surprise
Everyone can play their part by helping with Cheese Surprise - purely and simply using cheese in the most surprising circumstances. Cheese Soup for Tony; Cheese communion wafers at St Stephens; get the picture.

This is a huge task for the good people of Ambridge, so if you have other suggestions please list them below or communicate them directly to @TonysConsultant.



  1. How about Cheesy Peas - as invented by The Fast Show? Now that's gourmet eating.

  2. NotTillyButton2 July 2012 at 02:37

    Adam and Ian decide to spice up their love life with Cottage Cheese

  3. Monday morning clinic is full of very worried Ambridge residents. Over indulgence in cheese resulted in an epidemic of nightmares across the village. Mind you, no one had more of a nightmare than Adrian Chiles. Have you seen the viewing figures? Shocking. Woeful.

    More on the dreams later. If anyone has confided their Cheese-induced dream to you, please report it in the usual fashion (i.e. with a total disregard for confidentiality or dignity.)

  4. NotTillyButton2 July 2012 at 02:49

    Helpful decorating tip from Vickoi Tucker
    If you can't afford fairy lights for your bedroom, attach Mini BabyBel cheeses to a piece of string and festoon around the bed head for a fun romantic look.
    Useful when you get peckish in the small hours