Wednesday, 4 July 2012

The Great Ambridge Cheese Mountain II

The good people of Ambridge have responded valiantly to the call to arms to deal with The Great Ambridge Cheese Mountain. Circumstances have helped. Sending Ben and Josh to the North East disguised as a giant Edam was inspired. Cheese specials at both The Bull and Jaxx have kept the cheese moving. And even Bartleby has done his bit, thanks to Joe's very clever move of sprinkling cheese cubes with sugar.

Even the community shop is doing its bit. It was Christine who had the inspiration to stock the shelves with DVD titles that will keep cheese at the top of everyone's agenda. These include:

Brie on the River Kwai
Edam in Dagenham
Cheese Straw Dogs
Whatever Happened to Babybel?
Saving Private Rind
The Grater Escape
Return of the Cheddar
A Brie Too Far
East of Edam
The Mousetrap

and the whole of the Edammer Horror series.

But there are some problems that come with these developments. Sadly over-indulgence has led to some residents having nightmares. Some have reported them to me in total confidence and therefore, as you would expect, I share some of them with you here:

Alastair's worst nightmare was that someone paid the ransom and Shula was returned to him, like a galleon in full sail. I was able to reassure him that this was utterly ridiculous and even he hadn't done enough to deserve that.

Amy dreamed that Qarl was married, had children, was beastly to her and dumped her. I've recommended therapy. And offered to personally pay for a one-way ticket to a destination of her choice.

Lynda, worryingly, reported a dream that she had seen William Grundy naked. This is a matter of some concern. Whilst we all know that this indeed did happen, Lynda must never know its veracity. She is a frail and vulnerable woman and she would not survive this. Can Twitter keep a secret?

Christine's dream was that Jim only wanted her for her scones. My advice was that she should spice up her scones, and add a bit of spice to anything else that might win him over.

David dreamed that he was awoken by a giant badger which spoke in a Geordie accent. I think we all know what's going on there.

Daniel was tossing and turning most nights but never gets to sleep, so he still lives in his daydreams of West End and Broadway musical successes.

Please report any other cheese related news below or direct to @TonysConsultant.

1 comment:

  1. Are we allowed to say that Kate's dreams include something bigger and darker?