Earlier in the year, Elizabeth commissioned Duncan (from the Felpersham Institute of Stating the Bleedin' Obvious) to write a report on the future of her beloved Lower Loxley.
Various elements of the Report have been discussed, some have been leaked, but the five major findings have never been published. Here, in a scoop that would not be possible after the findings of Leveson have been properly implemented, we preview those findings in advance of an expose in The Echo:
1. Staffing
A Lady of the Manor is only as good as her staff. Since Nigel's death, have you been properly staffed? You will only see things clearly and be able to moved forward with good staffing.
2. Play to your strengths
Look around you. There are many resources directly to hand which are currently under exploited. Why, for example, are you spending money on chimney sweeps when Freddie and Lily have time on their hands? Why throw good money after bad on Iffy providing tuition when Freddie could be gainfully employed up a chimney?
3. Know your enemy
Understand and confront the enemy. Lull it into a false sense of security. Engage with it. Persuade it you are seeking its advice and wisdom. Then, for the coup de grace, invite it to deliver the final overview by observing the estate from a suitable vantage point: the roof! Christmas lunch should entice it in. You know you want to.
4. Market Research
Know your market. From The Orangery to the allotments, understand what it is that your public needs and meet those needs. Is there enough Fig Roll in the Orangery? Have you considered Codpiece and Chips as a Turkey alternative (or as a Turkey, as brother Kenton is about to discover)? And does the layout of the Estate reflect the public's tastes and desires? Which leads on to the most important finding:
5. The Nigel Pargetter Memorial Roof Garden
Much of the above can be combined in one action: the creation of the Nigel Pargetter Memorial Roof Garden. Just think what Machiavellian fun you could have with a formal opening ceremony....in the dark...on the ice.....on New Year's Day.....Make Nigel and the children proud!
Please suggest other findings below or via Twitter to @TonysConsultant. You know it makes sense.
Wednesday, 19 December 2012
Monday, 13 August 2012
Ambridge Meddles
It's been a momentous fortnight and you could be forgiven for thinking that Olympic glory had passed Ambridge by. But fear not. As the Royal Mail Post Box painters disappear across the green, it's time to report on the highs and lows, the laughter and the tears, of Team Ambridge.
Equestrianism
Hopes were high for Reg, riding Bunty in the three-day-eventing. All went well until the show jumping finale when, with a medal in sight, Bunty fell. Joyce, ridden by Arthur, suffered a similar fate but there is an enquiry into allegations that his saddle had been interfered with by Matt Crawford. (There's been a fair deal of saddle interference recently but we'll draw a veil over that for now.) Sadly they both lost out on a podium finish and now the race is on for the last hip in the village.
Gymnastics
A surprise late entrant in the Gymnastics (Rhythm Method) was Lynda who finished her routine with a flourishing Fig Roll. Vicky was a late withdrawal from the team. Sadly, Mike didn't withdraw in time.
Biathlon
With the mixed messages that Harry has been sending (chasing women to Eastern Europe, accessing his student Grant in Cumbria) no one will be too surprised to learn that his confusion has led him to train for the wrong Olympics. But hopes are high that he will meddle well in the Biathlon in two years' time.
Swimming
Hot Tub Relay has featured high in Team Ambridge's expectations. Team selection for this specialist event was always an issue, with a case even being made for the inclusion of Brian Aldridge, although he was never comfortable with the idea. Adam, Ian and Harry were all contenders with Pawal making an impressive late surge but the unsettled team never fulfilled its promise. Despite extensive baton changing practice, they never came good.
Pole Vault
The greatest success for Team Ambridge was, of course, Adam's Pole Vault. Described by all observers as the "surprise package of the games", Adam thrilled everyone with his technique on the runway, in the air, over the bar and onto the cushion. The Pole took the strain remarkably well.
Adam's Gold was the highlight for Team Ambridge and the Golden Box is a wonderfully appropriate permanent tribute to Adam's meddling.
There will be more news from the Games later in the week but if you have seen achievements from Team Ambridge which deserve recognition please list them below or report them direct to @TonysConsultant.
Equestrianism
Hopes were high for Reg, riding Bunty in the three-day-eventing. All went well until the show jumping finale when, with a medal in sight, Bunty fell. Joyce, ridden by Arthur, suffered a similar fate but there is an enquiry into allegations that his saddle had been interfered with by Matt Crawford. (There's been a fair deal of saddle interference recently but we'll draw a veil over that for now.) Sadly they both lost out on a podium finish and now the race is on for the last hip in the village.
Gymnastics
A surprise late entrant in the Gymnastics (Rhythm Method) was Lynda who finished her routine with a flourishing Fig Roll. Vicky was a late withdrawal from the team. Sadly, Mike didn't withdraw in time.
Biathlon
With the mixed messages that Harry has been sending (chasing women to Eastern Europe, accessing his student Grant in Cumbria) no one will be too surprised to learn that his confusion has led him to train for the wrong Olympics. But hopes are high that he will meddle well in the Biathlon in two years' time.
Swimming
Hot Tub Relay has featured high in Team Ambridge's expectations. Team selection for this specialist event was always an issue, with a case even being made for the inclusion of Brian Aldridge, although he was never comfortable with the idea. Adam, Ian and Harry were all contenders with Pawal making an impressive late surge but the unsettled team never fulfilled its promise. Despite extensive baton changing practice, they never came good.
Pole Vault
The greatest success for Team Ambridge was, of course, Adam's Pole Vault. Described by all observers as the "surprise package of the games", Adam thrilled everyone with his technique on the runway, in the air, over the bar and onto the cushion. The Pole took the strain remarkably well.
Adam's Gold was the highlight for Team Ambridge and the Golden Box is a wonderfully appropriate permanent tribute to Adam's meddling.
There will be more news from the Games later in the week but if you have seen achievements from Team Ambridge which deserve recognition please list them below or report them direct to @TonysConsultant.
Tuesday, 17 July 2012
Ambridge Even Less
In the aftermath of The Fire here are ten more bits of trivial news that would otherwise go unnoticed:
To everyone's relief, the "Welcome Home Phoebe" banner which Josh had prepared was destroyed in the fire. David's offer to help Roy to hang it at Lower Loxley had sent Roy into hiding.
Mickey Mouse wears a Brian Aldridge watch.
Josh and Gina are now an item, and have applied for joint custody of the calf.
Alan Franks' curry was such a success that he is opening Ambridge's first curry house. It is to be called Frankly My Dear (I don't give a Naan). Alan was briefly taken into custody by the 2012 Brand Police for his use of the slogan: This will test your Olympic Ring.
John Terry wears a Roy Tucker shirt.
Once again Jolene has scuppered Kenton's plans to spend an extended time down under.
Rio 2016's Olympic Organising Committee have invited Lynda to join their number. The Brazilians are naturally impressed with her anti-litter activities and her bush trimming campaign and her expenses will be covered by an over-60s phone-in on Raunchy Radio Rio.
Jill came to Elona's rescue in the great damp bread disaster, providing her with one of the six spare loaves she had baked, just in case. The moral of this story is: don't leave recently baked produce out in the rain.
One of the Ambridge in Bloom hanging baskets fell on Adam's head. It has reversed previous damage, and Adam thinks he could identify his assailants from a line-up. The police have obliged, and Adam will select between Keith Richards, Keith Horrobin, Keith Chegwin, Keith Joseph, Keith Harris, Orvill and a Badger.
Eddie has been banned from selling his hybrid Borsetshire Beast ornaments. 2012 lawyers say they are too reminiscent of Fatima Whitbread.
Please add any other scintillating but otherwise unnoticed facts below or report them directly to @TonysConsultant.
To everyone's relief, the "Welcome Home Phoebe" banner which Josh had prepared was destroyed in the fire. David's offer to help Roy to hang it at Lower Loxley had sent Roy into hiding.
Mickey Mouse wears a Brian Aldridge watch.
Josh and Gina are now an item, and have applied for joint custody of the calf.
Alan Franks' curry was such a success that he is opening Ambridge's first curry house. It is to be called Frankly My Dear (I don't give a Naan). Alan was briefly taken into custody by the 2012 Brand Police for his use of the slogan: This will test your Olympic Ring.
John Terry wears a Roy Tucker shirt.
Once again Jolene has scuppered Kenton's plans to spend an extended time down under.
Rio 2016's Olympic Organising Committee have invited Lynda to join their number. The Brazilians are naturally impressed with her anti-litter activities and her bush trimming campaign and her expenses will be covered by an over-60s phone-in on Raunchy Radio Rio.
Jill came to Elona's rescue in the great damp bread disaster, providing her with one of the six spare loaves she had baked, just in case. The moral of this story is: don't leave recently baked produce out in the rain.
One of the Ambridge in Bloom hanging baskets fell on Adam's head. It has reversed previous damage, and Adam thinks he could identify his assailants from a line-up. The police have obliged, and Adam will select between Keith Richards, Keith Horrobin, Keith Chegwin, Keith Joseph, Keith Harris, Orvill and a Badger.
Eddie has been banned from selling his hybrid Borsetshire Beast ornaments. 2012 lawyers say they are too reminiscent of Fatima Whitbread.
Please add any other scintillating but otherwise unnoticed facts below or report them directly to @TonysConsultant.
Saturday, 14 July 2012
The Great Fire of Brookfield
The Great Fire of Brookfield has aroused great suspicion this week, with the Horrobins the obvious target of much finger pointing. Assumptions have been made about the motivation for the setting of the fire. We are all being drawn into the shared conviction that the fire is connected to the attack on Adam, and David's "will he/won't he testify" dilemma.
But these and other aspects of the Fire are nothing more than red herrings - or red kippers as they should properly be called after they were smoked in the embers of Brookfield. This was not intimidation. The real perpetrators are very happy that the focus is being drawn away from them but the truth needs to be uncovered. In true Ambridge CSI style, let's examine the facts.
Firstly, history does repeat itself. Consider the similarities with the Great Fire of London. Despite the magnitude of the fire, there were only six fatalities: a badger, two squirrels, a bat, a partridge left in a Christmas decoration stored in a corner of the barn and David's patience.
Secondly, there were echoes of Samuel Pepys as Jennifer was seen digging a hole in the grounds of Home Farm in which to hide her cheese.
And thirdly, Lynda's hay fever and various other ailments are rumoured to have been cured in the wake of the fire.
Much of this - in relation to both the Brookfield and the London fires - is of course apocryphal but take the comparisons a little further. Who gained most from The Great Fire of London? Christopher Wren and the developers of course, who had the opportunity to rebuild the City of London. It is rumoured that there were two developers in particular who made thousands of groats out of the contracts that were on offer: Sir Matteus Crawford (descended from a refugee-made-good from the Armada) and Admiral-of-the-Fleet Lord Bryn Aldridge, King Charles's Keeper of the Tassels (son of a Welsh farmer who found good fortune at court, particularly after successful land acquisitions in rural Hungary).
Sir Matteus and Lord Bryn enjoyed a chequered relationship. Conspiracy theorists attest that they came together in a plan to destroy the City of London and then profit from its reconstruction. The whole scheme was put into motion when Lord Bryn's long suffering wife, the fair Lady Jen, intentionally left a casserole on a hearth in their city apartments in Pudding Lane. The rest, as they say, is history.
Nearly four centuries later it can be no coincidence that Mattheus and Bryn's descendants are in desperate need of land for development in Ambridge - and that a serious fire hits the village.
So perhaps we should be a little less swift to blame the Horrobins, and look a little closer to home. Or, indeed, to Home Farm.
But these and other aspects of the Fire are nothing more than red herrings - or red kippers as they should properly be called after they were smoked in the embers of Brookfield. This was not intimidation. The real perpetrators are very happy that the focus is being drawn away from them but the truth needs to be uncovered. In true Ambridge CSI style, let's examine the facts.
Firstly, history does repeat itself. Consider the similarities with the Great Fire of London. Despite the magnitude of the fire, there were only six fatalities: a badger, two squirrels, a bat, a partridge left in a Christmas decoration stored in a corner of the barn and David's patience.
Secondly, there were echoes of Samuel Pepys as Jennifer was seen digging a hole in the grounds of Home Farm in which to hide her cheese.
And thirdly, Lynda's hay fever and various other ailments are rumoured to have been cured in the wake of the fire.
Much of this - in relation to both the Brookfield and the London fires - is of course apocryphal but take the comparisons a little further. Who gained most from The Great Fire of London? Christopher Wren and the developers of course, who had the opportunity to rebuild the City of London. It is rumoured that there were two developers in particular who made thousands of groats out of the contracts that were on offer: Sir Matteus Crawford (descended from a refugee-made-good from the Armada) and Admiral-of-the-Fleet Lord Bryn Aldridge, King Charles's Keeper of the Tassels (son of a Welsh farmer who found good fortune at court, particularly after successful land acquisitions in rural Hungary).
Sir Matteus and Lord Bryn enjoyed a chequered relationship. Conspiracy theorists attest that they came together in a plan to destroy the City of London and then profit from its reconstruction. The whole scheme was put into motion when Lord Bryn's long suffering wife, the fair Lady Jen, intentionally left a casserole on a hearth in their city apartments in Pudding Lane. The rest, as they say, is history.
Nearly four centuries later it can be no coincidence that Mattheus and Bryn's descendants are in desperate need of land for development in Ambridge - and that a serious fire hits the village.
So perhaps we should be a little less swift to blame the Horrobins, and look a little closer to home. Or, indeed, to Home Farm.
Thursday, 12 July 2012
Ambridge Less
With the return of Ambridge Extra bringing us all those exciting "added bits" that we have all been simply dying to be acquainted with, it must also be time for a session or two of Ambridge Less. This is where we hear all the bits and pieces that are too trivial to make it into the regular wireless transmission from Ambridge. Yes, as regular listeners, you may be surprised to learn that there are things even less interesting than that which you hear on a regular basis. So, while Brookfield burns, elsewhere.....
Tom has a verruca
Nothing much has been heard from Tom recently. This is because Brenda has confined the Polytunnel King to isolation since the discovery of a rather nasty verruca. On a testicle.
Kathy has nothing to moan about
Kathy is happy. Up at the Golf Club she has discovered that life can be good, and that even when you are in a bunker the green is only one shot away. Her new found chirpiness is just too much for most people to handle.
Tony sits in his chair
Tony sits in his chair all day long. He has soup delivered by Pat on the hour, every hour. He says he feels fine. "Super" in fact.
Matt has a small one
In The Bull, Matt confounded everyone by ordering a single scotch. Lilian mocks the fact that he has a small one.
Jill bakes a cake
Although of course this really means that Jill bakes seven cakes. Always have six spare.
Jazzer has a night in
Jazzer has a quiet night in with a book, a cup of cocoa and his Graham Norton hot water bottle.
Gay Gordon's Yorkshires Drop
Ian's sous chef at Grey Gables has had a disaster.
Ruairi staples Brian's tassels
Impish Ruairi staples Brian's tassels together - Jennifer is very amused.
Chris soils his apron
It's not what you think. He spills casserole.
Henry crawled
Don't worry if you missed this. Helen sold the rights to Turkey Baster Weekly.
These are just the top ten of the dullest moments in Ambridge that didn't make it into the transmission of the documentary. Please list below any other examples you are aware of, or send them direct to @TonysConsultant.
Tom has a verruca
Nothing much has been heard from Tom recently. This is because Brenda has confined the Polytunnel King to isolation since the discovery of a rather nasty verruca. On a testicle.
Kathy has nothing to moan about
Kathy is happy. Up at the Golf Club she has discovered that life can be good, and that even when you are in a bunker the green is only one shot away. Her new found chirpiness is just too much for most people to handle.
Tony sits in his chair
Tony sits in his chair all day long. He has soup delivered by Pat on the hour, every hour. He says he feels fine. "Super" in fact.
Matt has a small one
In The Bull, Matt confounded everyone by ordering a single scotch. Lilian mocks the fact that he has a small one.
Jill bakes a cake
Although of course this really means that Jill bakes seven cakes. Always have six spare.
Jazzer has a night in
Jazzer has a quiet night in with a book, a cup of cocoa and his Graham Norton hot water bottle.
Gay Gordon's Yorkshires Drop
Ian's sous chef at Grey Gables has had a disaster.
Ruairi staples Brian's tassels
Impish Ruairi staples Brian's tassels together - Jennifer is very amused.
Chris soils his apron
It's not what you think. He spills casserole.
Henry crawled
Don't worry if you missed this. Helen sold the rights to Turkey Baster Weekly.
These are just the top ten of the dullest moments in Ambridge that didn't make it into the transmission of the documentary. Please list below any other examples you are aware of, or send them direct to @TonysConsultant.
Wednesday, 4 July 2012
The Great Ambridge Cheese Mountain II
The good people of Ambridge have responded valiantly to the call to arms to deal with The Great Ambridge Cheese Mountain. Circumstances have helped. Sending Ben and Josh to the North East disguised as a giant Edam was inspired. Cheese specials at both The Bull and Jaxx have kept the cheese moving. And even Bartleby has done his bit, thanks to Joe's very clever move of sprinkling cheese cubes with sugar.
Even the community shop is doing its bit. It was Christine who had the inspiration to stock the shelves with DVD titles that will keep cheese at the top of everyone's agenda. These include:
and the whole of the Edammer Horror series.
But there are some problems that come with these developments. Sadly over-indulgence has led to some residents having nightmares. Some have reported them to me in total confidence and therefore, as you would expect, I share some of them with you here:
Alastair's worst nightmare was that someone paid the ransom and Shula was returned to him, like a galleon in full sail. I was able to reassure him that this was utterly ridiculous and even he hadn't done enough to deserve that.
Amy dreamed that Qarl was married, had children, was beastly to her and dumped her. I've recommended therapy. And offered to personally pay for a one-way ticket to a destination of her choice.
Lynda, worryingly, reported a dream that she had seen William Grundy naked. This is a matter of some concern. Whilst we all know that this indeed did happen, Lynda must never know its veracity. She is a frail and vulnerable woman and she would not survive this. Can Twitter keep a secret?
Christine's dream was that Jim only wanted her for her scones. My advice was that she should spice up her scones, and add a bit of spice to anything else that might win him over.
David dreamed that he was awoken by a giant badger which spoke in a Geordie accent. I think we all know what's going on there.
Daniel was tossing and turning most nights but never gets to sleep, so he still lives in his daydreams of West End and Broadway musical successes.
Please report any other cheese related news below or direct to @TonysConsultant.
Even the community shop is doing its bit. It was Christine who had the inspiration to stock the shelves with DVD titles that will keep cheese at the top of everyone's agenda. These include:
Brie on the River Kwai
Edam in Dagenham
Cheese Straw Dogs
Whatever Happened to Babybel?
Saving Private Rind
The Grater Escape
Return of the Cheddar
A Brie Too Far
East of Edam
The Mousetrap
and the whole of the Edammer Horror series.
But there are some problems that come with these developments. Sadly over-indulgence has led to some residents having nightmares. Some have reported them to me in total confidence and therefore, as you would expect, I share some of them with you here:
Alastair's worst nightmare was that someone paid the ransom and Shula was returned to him, like a galleon in full sail. I was able to reassure him that this was utterly ridiculous and even he hadn't done enough to deserve that.
Amy dreamed that Qarl was married, had children, was beastly to her and dumped her. I've recommended therapy. And offered to personally pay for a one-way ticket to a destination of her choice.
Lynda, worryingly, reported a dream that she had seen William Grundy naked. This is a matter of some concern. Whilst we all know that this indeed did happen, Lynda must never know its veracity. She is a frail and vulnerable woman and she would not survive this. Can Twitter keep a secret?
Christine's dream was that Jim only wanted her for her scones. My advice was that she should spice up her scones, and add a bit of spice to anything else that might win him over.
David dreamed that he was awoken by a giant badger which spoke in a Geordie accent. I think we all know what's going on there.
Daniel was tossing and turning most nights but never gets to sleep, so he still lives in his daydreams of West End and Broadway musical successes.
Please report any other cheese related news below or direct to @TonysConsultant.
Monday, 2 July 2012
Fifty Shades of Grey Gables by Caroline Sterling
Fifty Shades of Grey Gables
or
The Girl Who Likes To Say "Yah"
When Oliver Sterling married Caroline he knew he was taking on a woman with a past. Caroline has settled down now but she has enjoyed a very full life which she has chronicled in her candid memoir.
Here we publish an excerpt as it appears in an exclusive serialisation in The Echo [*Echo*].
"Chapter Seven
Home Farm Home Truths
As a descendant of the Netherbonkers I have a healthy libido and need a strong man to satisfy my needs. While I was waiting for one, I had a torrid affair with Brian Aldridge.
I always worried that Brian was only interested in my heritage. In whispered tones he would often ask me about my Netherregions. We had to find our pleasure where we could, forever seeking private places to hide. We had to try to avoid Jennifer so Brian was always trying to take me round the back.
I had to endure Brian's rather odd dress sense. He often got his tassels caught and many's the time I had to unravel his cravat.
For Brian business always came first. Well actually, if the truth be told, Brian always came first, but that's another story.
Brian is a kind man. Sorry.....Brian is a kinda man. When you've led the life I have you are used to a man with stamina and staying power. Brian always seemed exhausted by the time we met, and I realised why whenever I saw Jennifer with a smile on her face and a venison casserole in her hands.
Lambing time was always difficult. He promised me the sheep meant nothing to him but I saw him doing things with those animals he would never do with me."
In deference to our younger readers we draw a close to this excerpt here. If, however, you wish to comment upon this then please write to the editor of The Echo, add comments below, or write in complete confidence to @TonysConsultant.
or
The Girl Who Likes To Say "Yah"
When Oliver Sterling married Caroline he knew he was taking on a woman with a past. Caroline has settled down now but she has enjoyed a very full life which she has chronicled in her candid memoir.
Here we publish an excerpt as it appears in an exclusive serialisation in The Echo [*Echo*].
"Chapter Seven
Home Farm Home Truths
As a descendant of the Netherbonkers I have a healthy libido and need a strong man to satisfy my needs. While I was waiting for one, I had a torrid affair with Brian Aldridge.
I always worried that Brian was only interested in my heritage. In whispered tones he would often ask me about my Netherregions. We had to find our pleasure where we could, forever seeking private places to hide. We had to try to avoid Jennifer so Brian was always trying to take me round the back.
I had to endure Brian's rather odd dress sense. He often got his tassels caught and many's the time I had to unravel his cravat.
For Brian business always came first. Well actually, if the truth be told, Brian always came first, but that's another story.
Brian is a kind man. Sorry.....Brian is a kinda man. When you've led the life I have you are used to a man with stamina and staying power. Brian always seemed exhausted by the time we met, and I realised why whenever I saw Jennifer with a smile on her face and a venison casserole in her hands.
Lambing time was always difficult. He promised me the sheep meant nothing to him but I saw him doing things with those animals he would never do with me."
In deference to our younger readers we draw a close to this excerpt here. If, however, you wish to comment upon this then please write to the editor of The Echo, add comments below, or write in complete confidence to @TonysConsultant.
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