The Games People Play

The recent occurrence of the ancient game of Sausages, along with Brian and Helen flirting with Hide The Parsnip not so long ago, have led Ambridge archivists to trawl the records for examples of other games unique to this particular community.

Attentive readers will not be surprised to learn that the history of parlour games in Borsetshire is very closely allied to the discovery of The Ascent of Ambridgeman covered in these pages only last week. You may be even less surprised to be told that this formed the basis for the second of my series of lectures to Felpersham Anthropological Society and again I crave your indulgence as I quote from that lecture here:

"The Games People Play:
The Ascent of Ambridgeman ll
I am grateful to you for your very kind invitation for me to return today. I am delighted that my lecture on The Ascent of Ambridgeman was generally so well received, although myself and Lady Tuft have received a couple of rather odd phone calls in recent days.

Today I would like to address the outcome of some further research into artefacts uncovered at the BL Market site. Tapestry programmes, rule books and match reports, alongside sporting and gaming equipment, have all been painstakingly restored.

It is my enormous privilege to present the findings to you here this evening.

Most significant is that the games uncovered clearly match the various ages of Ambridgeman, and this is how we will explore them.

1. Low-life:
Scissors, Paper, Bang on Head
In the vanguard of Ambridgeman, Low-life entertained themselves with a game that required no verbal communication. It did much to help them pass the time but little to advance their intelligence. The forefather of a game still played in our playgrounds, the winner in this game was inevitably the Low-life with the largest cudgel who could exercise the heaviest bang on his opponent's head with greatest strength and largest element of surprise.

2. Horrobinus:
Musical Crimes
Groups of Horrobinus congregate around a car. The stereo plays and when the music stops, everyone piles into the vehicle. There is room for everyone but one. The one remaining must either take the punishment for the crime (Susan, the Horrobinus One, was an early victim of this outcome), or take their chance by challenging any witnesses to a game of Scissors, Paper, Bang on Head (see above) to which they are genetically predisposed.

3. Grundius Majorosus and Minorosus:
Pin the Crime on The Donkey
Grundius has a habit of indulging in petty crime but rarely gets his comeuppance. This is achieved by swiftly placing the blame for the crime on an unsuspecting - but eminently suspicious - individual, known as "The Donkey". Records show that the genus Fosterus and in particular their descendant Snatchus were often cast in the role of "The Donkey".

4. Miles Gloriosus
Roof Hockey
A complicated game for the more upright Ambridgeman. Over the years rules have evolved, but the former World Champion was deposed in the 2011 Grand Final. This match is shrouded in mystery. The weather nearly caused the event to be postponed and nobody is absolutely clear which rules were in play. However, David Archer is a worthy if reluctant champion.

5. Ambridgeman Erectus
Pyjama Games
As befits the most erect Ambridgeman, their games are played to their own rules. They are mainly adult in content, and the undisputed current champion is Brian "Tassels" Aldridge."

Once again the full text of this lecture has been placed with The British Anthropological Society and any additions, added below or direct to @TonysConsultant, will be greatly appreciated.